We all know what happened.
I'm still not processing it. I know tomorrow I'm gonna be history and something funny is going to happen and I'm going to think, " Oh I want to tell Esther," and I'll just break down.
Like it's just coming to me in bits and pieces. And my brother kept asking me questions and I was like, "Wow. Wow. Really?"
But yeah, I'm going up there for the service and things. I've no idea how it's going to work out, and may entail me walking anywhere, but I won't care, not at all.
Since I knew, my main secret wish was to be there. Like no matter what.
And her last words. I just want to KNOW so much. I don't wanna be a Pudge to her Alaska. I wanna know.
I dunno. I dunno.
But I just think all of these wishes to her family and to her are so irrelvant. I knew her before you did. I had jokes you didn't. I knew her as a person, not an idea. I knew her as the girl that was my best friend, who introduced me to all my friends. Not, Oh That Girl Who Was In John's Video.
And I've read Looking for Alaska many times and I've read the last three books of Harry Potter so many times and I've gone through all those deaths and losses but, books can never prepare you quite enough.
But I get what they mean, when Harry questions the bright sunlight after Dumbledore's death. Or why the battle had not ceased after Fred.
And every laugh seems hollow and fake and wrong and I dunno. I don't know how I'll go on. Will I ever take off my necklace that she has the other half of? Will I ever take off the wristband?
Will I ever get over it? Will I ever forget her so that I can never imagine her correctly and only remember the memory or idea of her?
Ugh (TO BRING IT BACK TO ME) I let her borrow books and do I take them back or do I leave them or what do you do with her stuff or??? I was gonna go up there in October and we were gonna watch Harry Potter.
There's just the list of things I wanted to do with her but we never did.
So, just, tell people you love them. If you wanna do something with someone, do it with them. You honestly don't know what will happen a month or a week or a day or even a couple hours in the future.
Thomas Edison's last words were "It's beautiful over there." I hope there is a there, and it better be beautiful.
Maddie I love you as a person not as an idea. And at first i thought you were so wrong about that being "irrelevant", but then I realized I agree completely. john says jump, they ask how high, because they have no frickin idea what else to do. But I'd still rather hundreds of people care for fake reasons than 100 people care not at all. And I was kinda worried you'd feel like my caring was fake. But I knew her and thought she was amazing before I even knew she had cancer. so please don't think my feelings are irrelevant :S I love you and I love everybody who reads this. <333
ReplyDeleteDuring one of my random bursts of crying today I asked myself if the tears were real, because everyone gets on a bandwagon and it's intense. But I don't normally cry a lot, so yeah. But I agree with Zack..it's really nice to see all this love for her. And IDK. There's so much to wonder about right now. Love you. It does need to be said more often. :)
ReplyDeletei love you maddie and we'll all get through this together i promise
ReplyDeletemaaaaaaaddie
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