feelings as of late (just need to put all the thoughts out of my brain)

So I queued this thing and it's scheduled to post on MONDAY because now I'm only queueing things and so there's 200 some things in the queue WELP but yeah it's reblogged from fynf and it's a quote from Paper Towns apparently and the quote is

"Maybe she had sat here in the cacophonous darkness and felt some kind of desperation take her over, and maybe she found it impossible to unthink the thought of death. I could imagine that, of course."

and that's kind of what's been going on with me lately i guess. i've been missing a lot of school like not a lot but at least a day every week. it's just been really hard to get out of bed?? i haven't been motivated to do homework or clean my room or do ANYTHING really i don't really run any of my blogs or do ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE EVER. like i've just hit a rut and i don't see the purpose of anything really anymore. i'm thinking of getting out of IB and my mother made the mistake of saying i should just get my GED and go to college and it's been in my brain just simmering there.

but YEAH things have been going on in my brain and i don't see the usefulness of going to school to learn shit and deal with people anymore. i'm just not seeing the appeal of education anymore and it's scaring me to death. like it's just this huge struggle to get out of bed in the morning and get up and get dressed and go to school and eat and laugh and make jokes and sing and be happy. all i want to do is sit in my bed eating potato chips and watch anime and not care. and every day i miss school my mother gets angry at me and i fall behind in school work and my grade drops lower and the lower my grades are the more my mother and i clash the worse i feel about the situation and the worse i feel the less i want to get up in the morning.

also i haven't been getting on skype and in catitude as much anymore and i think i didn't at all for a week and i don't know what's going on in my brain. i both want to become a recluse and also be really socially outgoing because i get way into my thoughts and i can't escape them. like in a dream when you know something bad is going to happen you can just wake up but i can't figure out how to wake up from this nightmare. i can't find the kick. i can't get to the totem.

THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS ON MY LIFE AT THE MOMENT I'M SURE IT IS MESSED UP AND A BIG JUMBLE OF IDEAS I REALLY JUST WANT TO GO WATCH ANIME AND NOT THINK ABOUT THE CURRENT SITUATION ALSO POSSIBLY TURN MY FAN ON LATER