An Open Letter to Past Me

Hi 2010-me,

It's 2014 you. I am not quite sure what you know or don't know yet, because I'm unsure of much of 2009-10. Not in a bad way, but in an everything-was-going-good-in-my-life in 2009-10 and so I wasn't paying special attention to anything.

Hint: pay attention to everything. Try to keep every memory in a back up somewhere. You're gonna quit your twitter at 10k tweets, and it helped me out a lot, so thanks for that.

I'm writing to you from my college dorm room. That's right, college. It's a lot like high school except everything is better in every possible way but you're also stressed about everything in general.
You miss your parents and brothers a lot. I know that seems odd and unbelievable, but you will enjoy going home for winter break after not seeing them for a month. Otherwise, college is good. You're studying to be a history teacher. I know, completely shocking except it's not and you feel like a great weight of uncertainty has been lifted from your chest. I feel that every day.

So here's the thing: life is going to get pretty shitty for you in the coming months. Is it May right now? June? Maybe even just March? Okay, everything is going to come all at once. Seriously. The fights are only going to get louder and more exhausting and Esther is going to tell you she has thyroid cancer. You're going to move your most precious possessions (a box filled with your John Green books, Prisoner of Azkaban, your laptop, and a blanket, a snow globe you don't currently own, and a teddy bear) with you twice. I'm not gonna lie to you, it's gonna be fucking hell. You're a champion, so you're going to be okay, but you're still probably going to feel pretty dead inside for a lot of the time and close to crying a lot. This is going to be okay. You're going to be okay. You're gonna rediscover Harry and the Potters, and they are going to save you. I'm not kidding. Downloading that first album is probably why I'm able to write this to you today.

Right, Esther. She is currently such a big part of your life Madeline, and she's only going to get more important. Remember that Suncoast Bucs opening day where you downloaded Skype onto Mom's iPhone so you could talk to Esther because nobody else was awake at seven AM? That is going to be your relationship in a nutshell, and just a small thing you do for each other over the next year or so. Keep her so close, Madeline. Do not let that amazing and brilliant light go, especially with everything that is going to happen to you both. You need each other and you're going to become a better person every time you talk with her and make AVPM references, but also talk to her about other stuff. Talk about religious views and ask about her family and don't just shoot the shit, unless you're both feeling it at the time. Esther is your best friend, keep it that way.

Other things? I don't want to spoil a lot of things for you, young Madeline, but the next couple years are gonna be kind of crazy. You're gonna travel a lot this year (2010). You're going to go to LeakyCon and see Catitude! I know, I wasn't going to tell you but it's very important. They're very important. You're gonna go to New York twice in a year. You're going to see the Pacific Ocean. You're not going to hate your grandmother as much as you think you do. You're going to see Darren Criss perform. You're going to see Harry and the Potters live a bunch of times and cry every single time you do. You're going to see The Remus Lupin's last show (I know! I didn't mean to spoil you but it's a big deal.) and you're going to see Alex Carpenter perform "Lovely Lily" on an acoustic guitar in a small room in an another convention center. You're going to see a lot of bands you love with a lot of people you love. You're going to go to Disney more. You're going to see your older brother get married. You're going to see your parents talk to each other like adults. You're going to see your dog grow old to the point of death and be revitalized by another dog. You're going to fall in love with a lot of boys (and girls!) and kiss some and some you won't but you will want to. You're going to see a lot of plays and remember your love of theatre. You're going to read a lot of books that is going to make you cry and you're going to see a lot of movies that will make you laugh. You're going to own a car and drive to a city you've never been to for a concert all by yourself. You're going to love so deeply and so widely that you're going to be afraid of it, but don't be afraid. We are not here for very long, young-me. You've gotta care about so much while you're here that you're exhausted in time to die.

One more thing, you're going to meet Melissa Anelli. I know! I know. You're going to see her a lot and not always get a picture with her, but it's not going to matter. She is going to call you beautiful, and cool, and important and cry about things you have said. It's going to feel like a fucking dream and a prank the entire world is playing on you, but it's not. It is going to be the most amazing thing that will ever happen to you, and you will not be able to shut up about it. I know other people don't get it, but you're me and I'm you, and you understand me in the best way. She is just as lovely and real and her laugh is just as beautiful in real life as Pottercast has had you believe.

I love you, past-me. You've got to love yourself, and it's going to be difficult sometimes, but you have got to remember that somebody loves you and if you don't think that, just remember that this post exists, so you make it through. You get here. You make it this far, at least. Keep all your friends close. Tell your mom you love her every day. Eat chocolate when you're not feeling great. You are going to be okay.

Best wishes!
2014 Madeline