BEDA DAY 2 (2012)

Hello.

I linked to my blog on tumblr so now I'm worried because this has always been a almost-secret blog. This is actually my thoughts and my words being put on the internet and it's supposed to mean something. For being on the internet most of my time, I don't talk a lot about me. Sure, I tweet vaguely about things that bug me and tumblr tags are word vomit of "feels" but it's never really me. It's an idea of me that I've created and hoped to become.

THIS IS GOING TO BE A BLOG ABOUT MY PHYSICAL EXPLOITS (haha) BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE GYM MY SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL AND IT STRESSES ME OUT MORE THAN APPLYING FOR COLLEGES.

When I was eight(ish) I made my mother put me in ballet because I've always loved dancing and so I would have ballet practice every Tuesday and Thursday and we were going to be in The Nutcracker because we were eight-year-olds in ballet and that's what you do when you do ballet except I had never stayed awake the whole time to watch the entire Nutcracker (I still haven't seen the whole ballet) but I thought about how hard it looked and so I made my mother take me out of those classes because I did not want that kind of pressure on my adorable shoulders.

And then my mother still wanted me to do sports because it's good for a growing girl I GUESS so I did cheerleading at this gym behind my dad's work. (Now that I think about it, I'm not sure the chronology is correct. I don't remember how things happened.) The gym did gymnastics so there were these two huge trampolines and a vault trampoline and a vault and rings and MAYBE bars and a couple balance beams and a huge floor etc. I, albeit doing gymnastics, was never really fit at all. At all. There was a rope you had to climb before you could get water (cruel, I know) but I could never really climb it so I would give up like three feet high and would just sneak water later. So the cheerleading there was only competitive cheerleading so we would only to competitions and not actually cheer at games which kind of bored me. I was the tiniest (all of the other girls were twelve to fifteen which is a HUGE age gap when you're in first grade) and so I was a flyer and they would always put me into a Full and I could stare into the eye of a painting of a gymnast they had on the wall and it would terrify me but I never fell but the OTHER flyer fell really badly once and it was a big deal but we all laughed about it when we found out she was okay. The thing about competitve cheerleading is that it's a lot more gymnastics that game cheerleading (gymnasts and cheerleaders have this ":fued" thing, but it's bullshit. Gymnasts don't have pom-poms and cheerleaders don't have unitards) and I could never do a run-and-then-do-a-one-hand-back-handspring and we had this excercise where we had to go into a Bridge and then walk on our hands & feet in a bridge to the wall and back and I could never do that so then before and competition actually happened the gym went out of business and I went back to being a lazy ass.

I also took golf lessons because it was a Thing That My Mother Wanted Me To Do but I used to have this obsession with the monkey bars and so I had these huge callouses on my hands and the instructor was like, "Your daughter's callouses are spawns of Satan and are not welcome here," and so I had to stop playing on monkey bars to continue my golf lessons but I basically said, "fuck that" and continued on the monkey bars.

My elementary school had a rotating list of extra curricular activities. Like, every Tuesday and Thursday we had P.E. and then Monday we would have Art and Wednesday we would have Computer Lab and Friday we would have Music/Theatre (it was one class, taught by a guy I found out was gay just last year. Crazy.). So I had PE every other day and it was forty-five minutes and there was a pavilion with basketball hoops and then there were these two bars (like Bars in Gymnastics except they were at the same level) and a wibbly wobbly almost balance beam and a track you could run and then there was this HUGE metal structure which looks like the skeleton of a teepee and you would have to climb it (or do your best to reach the top) and I remember there was a bell at the top and I spent one whole class period by myself trying to reach the top because I had to ring that bell and I never had before and I was not going to let some metal triumph over me and I only rang it that one time. The rest of PE I would spend on the two bars, trying dumb ways to get on top of the bars so we could sit on the bars and just talk.

In fourth grade (I think!) I did cheerleading with the Sun Devils which is basically the Stepford Wives of Pop Warner Football. Like, if your brother is playing the Sun Devils, don't go. It's this huge elaborate team and you can buy Sun Devils Flags for Your RV to Take to Every Game and Sun Devils Shorts and Sun Devils Coasters etc. So practice was outside in ruthless Florida heat & humidity and I would always forget my water bottle and towel so I would have to be in itchy as hell grass and then would have to borrow water from other girls and it was very embarrassing for my young self. So I went through hell and high water to learn all the stupid cheers and be a base in stunts (which is the worst. I am a backspot.) and it was just awful and I was miserable but I kept thinking, "I have to get to the game. I love the games." So the first game comes and it's not even a game it's a pre-season scrimage and it was really hot and I was really thirsty and the coach wouldn't let me drink water and I felt like I was going to collapse and the coach would call cheers which 1) is dumb and 2) she would call random cheers that would have nothing to do with what the team would actually be doing and I asked if I could drink something and she said I had to wait and I asked if I could sit down because I felt really dizzy etc and the coach said if I sat down I couldn't get back up and cheer and I was like, "Well I don't want to die" so I sat down with my mom and she bought me a corndog and I watched the bratty girls I didn't like work their asses of while I ate fried food and watched a dumb football game and then I never went back and I kept all the stuff I was technically renting for the season. So when I see someone in high school wearing their Sun Devils jersey or shirt I can't help but laugh because they are all stuck up assholes and I am glad to be rid of them.

I will talk more about this because I did SPORTS in middle school, and it would be nice to know what to talk about tomorrow.

Best wishes.

BEDA 1 (2012)

IT'S AN INTRO POST
Things have changed, you need to get up to date.

I'm still Maddie but now I'm seventeen and it's a Big Deal except I still don't have my permit (I have this unfortunate ability to miss just enough school for the government to deny me things like licenses) and I can't legally pour or serve alcohol. I still like Doctor Who (aw man the new trailer you guys) and Harry Potter. Those things haven't changed.

Not much has changed, I guess. I've become less vehement with my father, which is good. I have a job at my dad's restaurant (but I still can't spell restaurant) and I went to California and I kissed a boy (oOoOoO etc)

I'm also reasonably comfortable with my body. Like, I use to be terrible self-conscious and would wear huge shirts and baggy jeans and never shorts and never never skirts and I would never draw attention to the clothes I was wearing and I wouldn't wear earrings etc. But now, I'm okay. I wore a tank top and a DRESS (not on the same day) to school which are actually Huge Deals. I read this interview with Jasika Nicole (she's flawless) about how when a person is happy that happiness shines through and the person looks beautiful because they're so happy and I have taken that as a personal motto and just feel awesome and then I think I look awesome and then I feel more awesome and etc. But yeah. Also, having someone thinking you're beautiful does wonders for one's self esteem. Like the poet hath wrote, "You don't know you're beautiful, that's what makes you beautiful."

I have to blog twice today so I will say more later. Laterz.