A Dream Blog

Background: Yesterday I woke up with a migraine at 9:17 AM. I came back home at 12:30 PM after both of my classes and fell asleep around 1 PM until 7:45 PM and then was up until almost 5 AM. I fell asleep around 5 AM and woke up at 11 AM. It's been a weird sleep time.


In my dream it was August 24th, and I couldn't make it to Boston or a  related place for the Worst Day of the Year so I was home. I was tired and anxious about the next day, but I invited two of my best friends to go to a graveyard at UCF (It was literally at UCF. Like, next to the Student Union or some shit.) but I asked my grandmother to give us a ride there and back because my car was broken down or something?

It evolved into not just me and my two friends going but me, my two friends, both of my grandparents, and my father. Which doesn't seem like much, I know, but my grandmother or my father alone is enough emotional stress for weeks. But they were all coming. And suddenly I had to buy flowers to bring to a not even real grave - a proxy grave. I had to find the perfect bouquet for a proxy grave and the one I picked wasn't crazy enough so my grandma bought another one and made me switch it out and bought a beautiful glass vase for it.

So it's the 25th and all I really want to do is take a nap and maybe get on Skype and talk to Catitude but I can't. My dad's asking me why I'm not dressed up and if I'm bringing anything to her proxy grave and on the inside I'm furious but I'm literally so tired that I just lay down on the couch until they tell me it's time to go. And when I'm laying on this couch my vision becomes almost Ghost Hunters and I see a clip of a ghost coming up to me and walking right through me and then me immediately going into my bedroom and that keeps playing in my brain a couple times until a voice-over happens and it's like clips of Wayne and Lori telling me how much they love me and how much everyone loves me etc. (At the Wake, the first thing Wayne did when he saw me was swallow me up in a hug and he whispered, "She loved you" in the most sincerest and self-assured voice I've ever heard about anything.)

And suddenly I'm recalling memories in perfect clarity. Her and I being goofs on the Fourth of July, us on the phone and she's asking me about Doctor Who and I'm asking her about John Green, us playing Neopets or some random shit. It's all just random shit but it's perfect. I can remember them perfectly, I can relive them. Like I'm getting this one last gift from the most lovely person ever. One last card in the mail.

But then I wake up and we're going to the UCF Cemetery and my grandma's asking me about stamps and my dad says, "You know you're going to have to say something, right?" and I find like a shirt (It's not even mine! This whole thing is just bullshit!) to leave and I bring a halo of stars that I found lying around in my junk arts & crafts drawer and we're going. We get there and there's a frat that's actually like, burying their friend and in morning but the fucking fake plot is behind where they are so we leave them and we get to this secondary area which is just this Van Houton-esque character and one of the funeral houses people and they obviously don't care about the person they're burying but they have to put on a show and it's horrible. It's the worst thing I've ever imagined. But I make my crew pay respects to actually-being-buried-here people and not us so we sit through the first ceremony. My dad at one point sits somewhere and I say, "No! Not there!" and he says, "Is this where she's..?!" and I almost snapped but said something like, "No! But it's someone's actual grave so be a bit more respectful." and he moves.

I want to pay my respects to the person the coffin because they are newly dead and my friend is not newly dead and this person doesn't have anyone that cares for them and I go to look into the open casket and it's literally the scariest obviously-horror-movie-villain ever. But the funeral home lady is like, drinking vodka and the Van Houten is telling a joke and the girl comes back alive and is about to stab me and I wake up.

But that is how it feels, a lot of the time. It feels like people who did not know or care about her at the time want to know and care. It feels, to me, like they want to be a part of something, they want someone or something to mourn. They want to feel a fraction of what I feel. (They can't. Your secondhand emotions will never match my own.) Like your grief may be present and real but to make it more important than my own is sick and it makes me sick and sometimes I can't breathe with every single person who comments on things. I don't know, that dream just felt like a summary of everything that's happening lately but I wasn't surprised by it, I was just tired. All I wanted to do was quote The Book and then go home and call Lindsay and tell her about me possibly being killed by a zombie.

An Open Letter to Past Me

Hi 2010-me,

It's 2014 you. I am not quite sure what you know or don't know yet, because I'm unsure of much of 2009-10. Not in a bad way, but in an everything-was-going-good-in-my-life in 2009-10 and so I wasn't paying special attention to anything.

Hint: pay attention to everything. Try to keep every memory in a back up somewhere. You're gonna quit your twitter at 10k tweets, and it helped me out a lot, so thanks for that.

I'm writing to you from my college dorm room. That's right, college. It's a lot like high school except everything is better in every possible way but you're also stressed about everything in general.
You miss your parents and brothers a lot. I know that seems odd and unbelievable, but you will enjoy going home for winter break after not seeing them for a month. Otherwise, college is good. You're studying to be a history teacher. I know, completely shocking except it's not and you feel like a great weight of uncertainty has been lifted from your chest. I feel that every day.

So here's the thing: life is going to get pretty shitty for you in the coming months. Is it May right now? June? Maybe even just March? Okay, everything is going to come all at once. Seriously. The fights are only going to get louder and more exhausting and Esther is going to tell you she has thyroid cancer. You're going to move your most precious possessions (a box filled with your John Green books, Prisoner of Azkaban, your laptop, and a blanket, a snow globe you don't currently own, and a teddy bear) with you twice. I'm not gonna lie to you, it's gonna be fucking hell. You're a champion, so you're going to be okay, but you're still probably going to feel pretty dead inside for a lot of the time and close to crying a lot. This is going to be okay. You're going to be okay. You're gonna rediscover Harry and the Potters, and they are going to save you. I'm not kidding. Downloading that first album is probably why I'm able to write this to you today.

Right, Esther. She is currently such a big part of your life Madeline, and she's only going to get more important. Remember that Suncoast Bucs opening day where you downloaded Skype onto Mom's iPhone so you could talk to Esther because nobody else was awake at seven AM? That is going to be your relationship in a nutshell, and just a small thing you do for each other over the next year or so. Keep her so close, Madeline. Do not let that amazing and brilliant light go, especially with everything that is going to happen to you both. You need each other and you're going to become a better person every time you talk with her and make AVPM references, but also talk to her about other stuff. Talk about religious views and ask about her family and don't just shoot the shit, unless you're both feeling it at the time. Esther is your best friend, keep it that way.

Other things? I don't want to spoil a lot of things for you, young Madeline, but the next couple years are gonna be kind of crazy. You're gonna travel a lot this year (2010). You're going to go to LeakyCon and see Catitude! I know, I wasn't going to tell you but it's very important. They're very important. You're gonna go to New York twice in a year. You're going to see the Pacific Ocean. You're not going to hate your grandmother as much as you think you do. You're going to see Darren Criss perform. You're going to see Harry and the Potters live a bunch of times and cry every single time you do. You're going to see The Remus Lupin's last show (I know! I didn't mean to spoil you but it's a big deal.) and you're going to see Alex Carpenter perform "Lovely Lily" on an acoustic guitar in a small room in an another convention center. You're going to see a lot of bands you love with a lot of people you love. You're going to go to Disney more. You're going to see your older brother get married. You're going to see your parents talk to each other like adults. You're going to see your dog grow old to the point of death and be revitalized by another dog. You're going to fall in love with a lot of boys (and girls!) and kiss some and some you won't but you will want to. You're going to see a lot of plays and remember your love of theatre. You're going to read a lot of books that is going to make you cry and you're going to see a lot of movies that will make you laugh. You're going to own a car and drive to a city you've never been to for a concert all by yourself. You're going to love so deeply and so widely that you're going to be afraid of it, but don't be afraid. We are not here for very long, young-me. You've gotta care about so much while you're here that you're exhausted in time to die.

One more thing, you're going to meet Melissa Anelli. I know! I know. You're going to see her a lot and not always get a picture with her, but it's not going to matter. She is going to call you beautiful, and cool, and important and cry about things you have said. It's going to feel like a fucking dream and a prank the entire world is playing on you, but it's not. It is going to be the most amazing thing that will ever happen to you, and you will not be able to shut up about it. I know other people don't get it, but you're me and I'm you, and you understand me in the best way. She is just as lovely and real and her laugh is just as beautiful in real life as Pottercast has had you believe.

I love you, past-me. You've got to love yourself, and it's going to be difficult sometimes, but you have got to remember that somebody loves you and if you don't think that, just remember that this post exists, so you make it through. You get here. You make it this far, at least. Keep all your friends close. Tell your mom you love her every day. Eat chocolate when you're not feeling great. You are going to be okay.

Best wishes!
2014 Madeline

What's New

WHAT IS NEW WITH ME

I graduated high school!!
I would write something long and thoughtful about that but honestly there's nothing thoughtful about it. I graduated. That's it. Honestly every one else in my whole family made a bigger deal than I did.
The only good thing was that my (older!) brother was in town.

I've got my license so I can drive!! By myself!! Do meaningless errands. I love it.
I driven to the airport a bunch of times to pick up/drop off my brothers and I went to a concert in Ybor and it's so freeing! I drove to hang out with Brian at his house just because! I can go to the beach whenever!
However my father won't give me his car and I have money but not SUBSTANTIAL money to purchase my own vehicle so I'm just pumping all of my car-money into buying gas for that car and stressing out about not having a vehicle for college. Whatever.

Being an adult is difficult.

I have a boyfriend!! His name is Kevin and he works at Radio Shack and he likes Doctor Who and SCIENCE. He's all about Doing Stuff like bicycle riding or going to the beach or disc golf. It's very odd! I am an object at rest that just wants to stay at rest. But, y'know. Whatever. I'm worried about him because I'm moving two hours away for college and I definitely don't plan on having a long distance boyfriend during college because that is some extra stress that I do not need. But he is nice and he makes me feel very good about myself.

My dad said the other day that I went from wearing jeans every day to short shorts in a matter of weeks and it's true! There was no middle ground. I did not go from jeans to "normal" shorts to short shorts. It's summer and it's hot and I for once feel okay about my thighs and whatever that is called when your thigh fat looks weird. (I keep wanting to call it like "cream cheese" or "cheese curds" but it is neither of those things. You know what I'm talking about.)

I've been staying at my dad's a lot a lot this past month. The first reason was because my brother was in town and I literally wanted to spend every single waking moment with him but then my brother went back to Maine to hang out with his fiance (whom I love!!) and I'm still staying at my dad's house.

I think the real reason is that I really blamed my dad for the divorce and my mom feeling like shit and so I was always with my mom because I love my mom. My mom was there for me all through middle school and she let me stay home during sophomore year when I needed to stay home. I needed her and I felt like she needed me. But now she has like a job that isn't her dad's business and is starting a new business with her boyfriend (!!) and she goes out every Thursday night with her Lady Friends and she's really moving on in life!! I'm happy for you and everything but goodness we haven't spoken in a couple days. It's all just text messages and quick phone calls. I mean I miss my mom but I also want her to be her and have relationships that are important to her because I'm leaving soon but I am going to miss her the most when I leave.

Also my "real life" friends are a Dream Come True and I love them so much and I hope I stay in touch with the core of them for the rest of my life.




Thank you and goodnight.

BEDA DAY 2 (2012)

Hello.

I linked to my blog on tumblr so now I'm worried because this has always been a almost-secret blog. This is actually my thoughts and my words being put on the internet and it's supposed to mean something. For being on the internet most of my time, I don't talk a lot about me. Sure, I tweet vaguely about things that bug me and tumblr tags are word vomit of "feels" but it's never really me. It's an idea of me that I've created and hoped to become.

THIS IS GOING TO BE A BLOG ABOUT MY PHYSICAL EXPLOITS (haha) BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE GYM MY SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL AND IT STRESSES ME OUT MORE THAN APPLYING FOR COLLEGES.

When I was eight(ish) I made my mother put me in ballet because I've always loved dancing and so I would have ballet practice every Tuesday and Thursday and we were going to be in The Nutcracker because we were eight-year-olds in ballet and that's what you do when you do ballet except I had never stayed awake the whole time to watch the entire Nutcracker (I still haven't seen the whole ballet) but I thought about how hard it looked and so I made my mother take me out of those classes because I did not want that kind of pressure on my adorable shoulders.

And then my mother still wanted me to do sports because it's good for a growing girl I GUESS so I did cheerleading at this gym behind my dad's work. (Now that I think about it, I'm not sure the chronology is correct. I don't remember how things happened.) The gym did gymnastics so there were these two huge trampolines and a vault trampoline and a vault and rings and MAYBE bars and a couple balance beams and a huge floor etc. I, albeit doing gymnastics, was never really fit at all. At all. There was a rope you had to climb before you could get water (cruel, I know) but I could never really climb it so I would give up like three feet high and would just sneak water later. So the cheerleading there was only competitive cheerleading so we would only to competitions and not actually cheer at games which kind of bored me. I was the tiniest (all of the other girls were twelve to fifteen which is a HUGE age gap when you're in first grade) and so I was a flyer and they would always put me into a Full and I could stare into the eye of a painting of a gymnast they had on the wall and it would terrify me but I never fell but the OTHER flyer fell really badly once and it was a big deal but we all laughed about it when we found out she was okay. The thing about competitve cheerleading is that it's a lot more gymnastics that game cheerleading (gymnasts and cheerleaders have this ":fued" thing, but it's bullshit. Gymnasts don't have pom-poms and cheerleaders don't have unitards) and I could never do a run-and-then-do-a-one-hand-back-handspring and we had this excercise where we had to go into a Bridge and then walk on our hands & feet in a bridge to the wall and back and I could never do that so then before and competition actually happened the gym went out of business and I went back to being a lazy ass.

I also took golf lessons because it was a Thing That My Mother Wanted Me To Do but I used to have this obsession with the monkey bars and so I had these huge callouses on my hands and the instructor was like, "Your daughter's callouses are spawns of Satan and are not welcome here," and so I had to stop playing on monkey bars to continue my golf lessons but I basically said, "fuck that" and continued on the monkey bars.

My elementary school had a rotating list of extra curricular activities. Like, every Tuesday and Thursday we had P.E. and then Monday we would have Art and Wednesday we would have Computer Lab and Friday we would have Music/Theatre (it was one class, taught by a guy I found out was gay just last year. Crazy.). So I had PE every other day and it was forty-five minutes and there was a pavilion with basketball hoops and then there were these two bars (like Bars in Gymnastics except they were at the same level) and a wibbly wobbly almost balance beam and a track you could run and then there was this HUGE metal structure which looks like the skeleton of a teepee and you would have to climb it (or do your best to reach the top) and I remember there was a bell at the top and I spent one whole class period by myself trying to reach the top because I had to ring that bell and I never had before and I was not going to let some metal triumph over me and I only rang it that one time. The rest of PE I would spend on the two bars, trying dumb ways to get on top of the bars so we could sit on the bars and just talk.

In fourth grade (I think!) I did cheerleading with the Sun Devils which is basically the Stepford Wives of Pop Warner Football. Like, if your brother is playing the Sun Devils, don't go. It's this huge elaborate team and you can buy Sun Devils Flags for Your RV to Take to Every Game and Sun Devils Shorts and Sun Devils Coasters etc. So practice was outside in ruthless Florida heat & humidity and I would always forget my water bottle and towel so I would have to be in itchy as hell grass and then would have to borrow water from other girls and it was very embarrassing for my young self. So I went through hell and high water to learn all the stupid cheers and be a base in stunts (which is the worst. I am a backspot.) and it was just awful and I was miserable but I kept thinking, "I have to get to the game. I love the games." So the first game comes and it's not even a game it's a pre-season scrimage and it was really hot and I was really thirsty and the coach wouldn't let me drink water and I felt like I was going to collapse and the coach would call cheers which 1) is dumb and 2) she would call random cheers that would have nothing to do with what the team would actually be doing and I asked if I could drink something and she said I had to wait and I asked if I could sit down because I felt really dizzy etc and the coach said if I sat down I couldn't get back up and cheer and I was like, "Well I don't want to die" so I sat down with my mom and she bought me a corndog and I watched the bratty girls I didn't like work their asses of while I ate fried food and watched a dumb football game and then I never went back and I kept all the stuff I was technically renting for the season. So when I see someone in high school wearing their Sun Devils jersey or shirt I can't help but laugh because they are all stuck up assholes and I am glad to be rid of them.

I will talk more about this because I did SPORTS in middle school, and it would be nice to know what to talk about tomorrow.

Best wishes.

BEDA 1 (2012)

IT'S AN INTRO POST
Things have changed, you need to get up to date.

I'm still Maddie but now I'm seventeen and it's a Big Deal except I still don't have my permit (I have this unfortunate ability to miss just enough school for the government to deny me things like licenses) and I can't legally pour or serve alcohol. I still like Doctor Who (aw man the new trailer you guys) and Harry Potter. Those things haven't changed.

Not much has changed, I guess. I've become less vehement with my father, which is good. I have a job at my dad's restaurant (but I still can't spell restaurant) and I went to California and I kissed a boy (oOoOoO etc)

I'm also reasonably comfortable with my body. Like, I use to be terrible self-conscious and would wear huge shirts and baggy jeans and never shorts and never never skirts and I would never draw attention to the clothes I was wearing and I wouldn't wear earrings etc. But now, I'm okay. I wore a tank top and a DRESS (not on the same day) to school which are actually Huge Deals. I read this interview with Jasika Nicole (she's flawless) about how when a person is happy that happiness shines through and the person looks beautiful because they're so happy and I have taken that as a personal motto and just feel awesome and then I think I look awesome and then I feel more awesome and etc. But yeah. Also, having someone thinking you're beautiful does wonders for one's self esteem. Like the poet hath wrote, "You don't know you're beautiful, that's what makes you beautiful."

I have to blog twice today so I will say more later. Laterz.

Esther.

One of the best friends I have ever had was named Esther Earl, and she died a year ago in August. She was sixteen, and one of the kindest people I have ever known. She had cancer, but she was not her cancer. I haven't talked about her much on the internet, or with anyone really, because I don't want to think about it. I've always been very protective of Esther. She was my friend. She was my mother on Facebook. She was the one I saw when I went to Boston. But then I realize how selfish that is of me. Esther isn't something I can keep a folder or in a section of my brain, she didn't just have one group of friends.

I'm taking my Esther folder out of a drawer in my room, just to collect some thoughts. I wish I had my phones to see text messages and my Skype so I could see Skype discussions. I must rely on my faulty memory and my emotions to tell just my side of her story.

I met Esther at the end of eighth grade, when I was fifteen. And by "met," I mean we followed each other on Twitter. She and other internet persons (what was to become Catitude) were on Skype and they tweeted great jokes all the time and I decided I want to be part of this so I downloaded Skype onto my old desktop computer, and I became friends with the greatest people I have ever known.

My father only allowed me on the computer until 10 pm every night, so I would leave mid-call without saying good-bye, a thing I deeply regret. It hurt to say good-bye to my friends, even for just a little bit. Later, I would call Esther from my cell phone, and fall asleep to her fifth of the conversation still going on online. And I was content.

Fast-forward a year, and this brilliant person that I've met is suddenly being discussed all over the internet. John and Hank Green, my idols, are tweeting about Esther and something about a "fanbridge," and I was entirely lost. At the school library my Freshman year, I found about Esther's cancer. I had not known before. I remember feeling shocked and terrified and confused and hurt. Why didn't Esther tell me? I thought I was her friend was my thought process the next week. I asked my mother if I could perhaps fly up to Boston to meet Esther, telling my mom about her cancer etc.

That summer my parents split up, my father taking too many medications and drinking too much and not trusting his body anymore and not trusting my mother anymore. She left and moved in with her friends. My father did not understand why I would rather spend more time online than with him or the family in general. My mother left me her laptop, and I retreated to the area upstairs, where I remained for two weeks out of the summer. I blasted a lot of Harry and the Potters and The Mountain Goats and talked to Esther and Catitude whenever possible.

I flew up to Boston that summer to meet Lindsay, Arka, Teryn, Katie, Abby, John Green, Andrew Slack, the Earl family, and Esther herself. I was delighted to meet my best friends and a literary hero of mine as well as see my first wizard rock concert in two years. We gave Esther this scrap book from pages from all of us and Alex Carpenter did a song (listen to that here) and he told us at LeakyCon that we inspired it and waah. I was an idiot, caring only about myself and my then-worries. I regret not spending more time with Esther, and just cuddling with her. I regret not holding her in my arms, warming up her cold feet, and singing quietly to her. I did not cry at all that week, for I had been hardened by time and my familial issues. Crying was a weakness at home.

My mother and my brothers and I moved into a new house before school started. I missed my friends terribly that month. One night, all of the Cats were just talking about something stupid and somebody (possibly Katie of Lindsay but I do not remember at all) said that Esther's fanbridge had updated and that she was in the hospital. I Facebook messaged Lori, Esther's mother, asking about Esther's condition and if we could perhaps talk to Esther in any way, perhaps just get a message to her. Lori messaged me back saying that Esther that she was in the ER and wasn't doing very well which I responded back to twitter and etc. It was amazing the way all of us were online that night, just in a call to comfort one another. Just hearing each other breathing to remember for each one of us to breath again. I remember checking Tumblr to just calm down and Valerie saying, "This is not a time to post pictures of cheese sticks!" or something of that nature and us laughing, as though we had forgotten we could laugh.

I got a call at about 6am the next morning from Lindsay in tears. I probably cried too. She told me the news and I got online. At about 6:45 am my mother walked into my room and asked if I was okay to go to school that day. I wasn't. I didn't leave my bed (read: my computer) the whole day. John posted a video. I cried more. I cried with my friends. We became closer that day, I believe. We weren't just a group of weirdos making poop jokes anymore, we were this Thing. People worried about us and about Esther's family.

And then after that day, nothing happened. I expected the whole to know, but of course they wouldn't know. Nobody at school knew about Esther except for me. I mourned in silence. I saw a backpack with stars on it, almost cried, and walked into the wrong Spanish room and did not realize my mistake for two minutes. I did not care. I wore my crazycrayon shirt we got from Make-A-Wish to school a lot. People asked me about it. I didn't answer. People have asked me about my bracelet, I haven't told them.

The funeral was that weekend. I missed the Monday of the next week. I flew in Friday night and left Sunday night. I cried a lot. The Wake was on Saturday. I stayed with Andrew Slack at his apartment/house thingy (Boston is very different from Florida). I watched him yell at somebody for spoiling Mockingjay. I pooped in the same toilet as Andrew Slack. He washed a Mason jar for me and I saw where he slept. I ate at a bagel place and met Lindsay's father and saw dopplegangers of the people from this picture. I met Lauren and Matt that day. They are my favorite people. The wake was an open casket. Esther looked tiny in death, a cliche I never believed until then. But she looked peaceful, then. It didn't hurt to breathe anymore. And I was happy for that. We got pizza at a place up the street from the funeral house. I think Esther enjoyed that. We toured the North End (I think?) of Boston that night, again. People were celebrating, and we were trying to as well. I thought Andrew Slack said, "fucking," Ryan bought a water bottle and I stole it, we had gelato at the same place we had gotten gelato just two months previously. Sunday was the funeral. I cried a lot more then. It was hard to feel religious when some "God" took away my best friend, but I did my best. A guy with a guitar sang an a song about Jesus arising on Easter which just made me feel awkward and another lady spoke about how Esther "went to this church" and to "find God like she did" etc and I got very angry about the whole ordeal. A bunch of us said things about Esther. I was going to, but we had taken up perhaps too much time, and mostly what I wanted to say was, "Esther wasn't her illness. It didn't matter much that she was sick, because she knew that she was better than that." Esther's dad, Wayne, talked about Esther and how she kissed a boy behind a bush when she was young and brought a bunch of roaches home as pets when they lived overseas and we watched a video/picture montage with songs from Esther's iTunes. It was nice and I still love all of those songs. We watched some of Esther's VEDA, including this one and it was very nice because we laughed in the midst of our tears. Joe DeGeorge played The Weapon on piano and we all sang and cried. And by "we," I mean my row and the one behind me, every one just kind of sat there as we sobbed to a song about fighting Voldemort and evil. Then we went to the cemetery and looked at trees and likened it to the Forbidden Forest and somebody farted and we thought it was a very good thing for them to do and then I got some food and was driven to the airport and I have Lindsay my chocolate frog as a thank you for being so lovely. And I stole Arka's coke. >:)

Matt and Lauren did This Star Won't Go Out: A Tour for Esther and it was amazing and Lauren played her song Art Class which is beautiful and they all sang The Weapon at the end and it was amazing and I have the tour poster about my bed because I love it and I love them so much. It's so nice to meet people who know what you have/are going through.

Project For Awesome was ran by us at effyeahnerdfighters, and so I hosted a couple hour segments then. People asked us to tell stories about Esther and about Esther's MAW and Esther's funeral etc which was all very nice except the stories were mostly (at least from me) something along the lines of, "Once Esther told this joke (told the joke) and I laughed very hard and so did Andrew Slack and then we played with a puppet the end." Lauren and Matt (my favorite people) did their P4A about TSWGO which you can watch here and it's a song and it was inspired by us and I'm stunned every time I think about it.

About four kids died in a car accident at the end of March. I didn't know the teenagers, but my friends did. And they were obviously grieving and I understood that, a lot. And they would tell me that it sucked and that it just hurt forever and I told my friends that believe, I know. I told them how lucky they were that it was public, that people know. I told them that they should be glad that it was not just them in mourning. That you could hold the hand of someone else who knew that person like you did. That the school acknowledged the deaths. The people wore ribbons everywhere and made shirts etc.

LeakyCon happened and the Ball was the Esther Earl Rocking Charity Ball and I did not like that "Charity" was in its name but, eh, minor things. There was a public round table that we did serious ball and I made a reference to this video (sorry I haven't mentioned this before) and I just tried to lighten the mood a bit. LeakyCon was awesome. Every single attendee got Esther bracelets and suddenly it wasn't just me or Catitude thinking about it. It was every single person around me knew. And that was the best feeling. Wayne did a reading of his book that he's going to publish that is a sort of biography of Esther's life. People cried. A lot of people cried. I hugged Kristina Horner and Lauren Fairweather and finally hugged Hank Green and it was nice. Lauren filmed the crying bit which you can watch here and, uh, yeah. After that (possibly some time later, I'm not sure) we had a secret meeting with pizza and a bunch of ~important~ people and I just talked about how Esther and I complained about Twitter being broken or the Tumblr queue being weird rather than our families or our illnesses, which really defines us and our relationship, at least, I think it does. The Ball was great. Joe DeGeorge DJ'd and he played Holland, 1945 in a room with a bunch of teenagers dancing which to me is still amazing and he made the Harry Potter actors dance to Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, and, yeah. I got to go on the MAIN STAGE AND DANCE and it was surreal in the best way.

And then I went home and all of it seemed very unimportant but it still happened and I was still very happy. My IRL friend Bunni (her name's Alex, but that is what we refer to her as) has an Esther bracelet that DFTBA Records sells and so the first day of school I attack hugged her and I just felt very happy.

I'm very defensive of Esther. I worry about fyeahestherearls and comments and always the nerdfightersecrets. I worry that this person that I have so loved and adored will just become this Thing that is Nerdfighteria's or the Harry Potter fandom's. I want Esther to be remembered as a girl, a remarkable happy girl with thoughts and opinions about society and life and family values and religion and poop jokes. The truth resists simplicity. Esther's truth resists simplicity. I will leave you now with two things: one, a facebook message I sent to Esther on October 3rd of last year and two, lyrics from On the Radio by Regina Spektor.

1. "imissu

Like, a lot. So so much. And people have done ~wall posts~ and that's just shit because I miss you in a way I want kept private. Sometimes I wake up from a nap or I'm in school zoning out or just sitting reading and suddenly I'm back and Boston and I can see you and I want to cry and hold you. I never held you in Boston. I wanted to pick you up and carry you everywhere but you didn't let me (which I understand, I don't let people pick my up either). And I just never hugged you like I wish I had. And so many people miss you but I miss you so much more (I think because I am only me). I took off my Friendship Necklace three days ago. I don't mind you never wore, but I think I did. Just a little bit. It may have been dumb, but I guess I like physical things best (oOoOh). And in Chorus one day I just imagined that you were literal light and you let me put your head on your shoulder even though you were literal light. Like you were there, with me. And I had this dream that I was in hell and people were reading me youtube comments. I would do that. I would spend all the money I had to see you again and for us to play video games in hell and I miss you so damn much. And I think it's so

anymore at all. That you're fine where you are. You're probably chilling with Dumbledore and co. But I wish you were chillin' with me. I was so ready to see you this month, but I guess I never will. And I listen to videos on your youtube.com channel and I hear your voice and sometimes it makes me so happy and sometimes I freak out and I don't know. If I could change ANYTHING, I would be with you more. So much more. Like flying up every month and seeing you and sharing your bed and watching Harry Potter and me reading you to sleep. And I think of all the lost time between us. All the calls I left because I wasn't "in the mood" or the tokboxes I never joined or the chats I had to leave at 10 because my dad said so. And how I never KNEW of your Cancer. I didn't know. You just never told me. You never disclosed that information with me. I learned with the rest of Nerdfighteria. Lindsay and Katie and probably Arka and everybody I and you care about knew BUT I DIDN'T KNOW. But I think that says more about you than anything. Cancer is ever-present to you, but you just didn't tell people, because. And sometimes I close my eyes and I feel my eyeballs beneath my eye lids and it makes me think of you. And showering makes me think of you (I can hear you laughing and saying how gross that is). But you introduced me to my BEST friends. And I still speak of you in the present tense. Like sometimes I think I'm going to be fine, and then somebody asks about my bracelets, and I talk about you because you're still alive in my memory and my heart.

And I constantly think that you are just so much more than I am. And I wish I could've taken your place. Somehow, I would take your illness and expel it from you and then we would skip into the sunset. Your last words correspond to the last words on my backpack, and ah. ah. ah. And some people may get, not "over it", but the pain may lessen as time goes on. But not me. Sometimes I think the pain gets a little bit worse day by day. As if the longer I'm alive, the more your memory is lost within me. But I won't lose you.
Your star won't go out."

2."This is how it works

You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath"

Dream blog

I had a good dream!! Well, kind of. An interesting dream for sure. I'm just going to blog it out~

I'm not sure about order really so I'm just going to be like "oh and then this happened!"

I was at/near Universal Orlando and I had my wand with me (because I am a huge NERD) and when I walked into WWOHP I did like Aguament just for the hell of it, except my wand actually had water shoot out of it. And that a shock. And then these three Evil Jock Guys come out of nowhere with brooms and they're shooting spells at me and random passerby but I had this wicked Shield Charm going so they just flew outta WWOHP but like as soon as they left WWOHP the book just became like a thing of cardboard and all their padding and stuff became like pillows. Which was weird. So I run back to my "school" which was like an Orlando branch of the Xavier University (for like... you know... the X-Men) and I run in to tell the headmaster or dean or whatever and he's like, "I know. There are mutants in here who are witches and wizards, outside of their mutation." and then I found out that I was a witch and it was great and etc. The headmaster/dean led me to a special dormitory for those mutants who also had magical abilities and it turned out that like, half of Echo Base was there. Alex and Jason were mutants who were also wizards. Except Jason and Alex were shirtless so it was highly awkward for everyone involved. And then my dad showed up and I was like "Alex, I'm going to introduce you to my father" and it was super awkward and I was like, "Alex this is awkward" and he was like, "Well no shit, your dad thinks you're living with a shirtless man who's way older than you." And it was blissfully awkward and I laughed the whole time.

Something happened and suddenly we were going to go to war I guess??? Anyway the headmaster/dean guy was like, "We have reinforcements from the North coming. Go greet them." and he smiled at me and then Arka texted me about the water taxi so I ran down to the water taxi station thinking that Catitude was coming back and that meant that we could hang out again, I mean, supposing we didn't die in the war. I was very optimistic about this war. Which was wrong of me to do considering I've read Deathly Hallows and Mockingjay.

Some stuff happened and everybody had to go upstairs and so I, being stupid, took the elevator and I realized that the elevator was going too fast to be safe and then on the glass roof (I guess) I saw blood everywhere so I broke the elevator and then I broke OUT of the elevator. I don't really understand my mutation because I break out of elevators a couple times and I moved a bunch of heavy furniture like nbd but later on I can fly but then sometimes I can't so it's really quite confusing. Even though we had these awesome mutations we were shooting people with guns which sounds dumb but I guess that is what we planned to do. I had this one friend (I think her name was Lily but I can't remember really) and she's an excellent fighter but she had lost her confidence so I go to Fred Weasley and I'm like, "Look, you need to make out with Lily RIGHT NOW. I don't care that it's in the middle of the battle, go over there and kiss her and give her a good time." And I was in charge so Fred had to go kiss the girl that's he's secretly loved for like two years and Lily's had the hugest crush on him forever so after their wonderful make-out session she killing a bunch of Bad Guys like it's nobody business. And Fred is being all adorable and kissing her and tell her he loves in between her killing a bunch of Bad Guys and then they both get shot and I run up to them and flip out and it's like in Captain America where they just kind of explode into nothing so I'm in total disbelief that they're actually dead because there's no bodies.

Some other things happen and I go to Target to get supplies and then I just eat a Kit-Kat and I'm like "I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS SHIT" and it starts some weird revolution and everybody is taking things off the shelves like it's the End of Days and I found this wicked awesome backpack that was from Coke and you could fit in exactly one 12 pack of Coke so I'm shoving cans into this backpack and some Bad Girl comes over and she's like "It's all over for you" and I'm like "Girl, please" and I shoot her and go back to my Coke cans. And I'm running back to Campus and I have this flash of something else going on (like if it was a movie and it was like A THOUSAND MILES AWAY, THIS IS HAPPENING) except it's in my mind and basically a bunch of the Avengers are hanging out and some bad guy comes to get beer or something I'm not sure but I come to and I shoot like 20 people that I think are Bad Guys only to find out that our side just changed uniform but I don't mention the people I just shot to the dean/headmaster so it doesn't even matter, right?? So we're all clumped into these groups and the headmaster/dean/head of command is like "No word from Green Lantern?" and my side shakes no and he addresses the middle and says, "No word from Iron Man?" There isn't. He asks the right side about Captain America and he hasn't been heard from either. Only waking up do I question why the Green Lantern would help us out considering he's not even in the same universe as us. Maybe the Walls of Reality are collpasing or whatever.

I feel like other things happened but the thing that I thought first when I woke up was how Arka and I still didn't go to Waffle House. I mean, war and all, but still. Cheesy hashbrowns are my top priority.

Growing Up and Growing Old

It now occurs to me that I should have made a theme with blog titles, making them all song lyrics. Which is stupid and utterly cliche but I like that sort of thing so HA.
So on Twitter I said that I had an epiphany about my existence and then Scott told me to share it with the class so here we go:

I get why we care so much about fictional characters. Why we lust over actors who are twice our age or live in another country. Why we care about vampires and werewolves and wizards and time lords. I understand now. We spend all our time looking and caring about them, because we can never have them. There is a 100% chance that we will never be able to get The Doctor or Karen Gillan to be with us. They can never make us romantically happy. However, real people, real friends and enemies and co-workers and classmates can. And they might just. And sometimes we will feel things for people, but there's always that chance that they won't feel those things for us back. And so we just hide all the worry and the pain and the regret and maybes and never weres into caring about fictional people. Fictional people/actors will never love you back. But somebody you know, might actually. And then freaks us out.

OKAY. So, uh, back to your normally scheduled blog etc.

I act. It's a thing that I do. I love doing it. I've been into theater since, third grade. I got into theater the year after I got over stage fright. I don't how I got over it, really. I just did. Y'know how in High School Musical 3, Ms. Darbus tells Troy that he looks comfortable on stage, and Troy says it's a place he can think? That's me, really, in a nutshell. That's how I am. My friend and I were talking during acting the other day, and we still projected and were not blocking each other. It could have been a scene from any play, just from our staging, but it wasn't. It was just us, talking. I love to act. It used to be about the center of attention for me, but it's not anymore. I just love the theater and what it stands for and what it does for people and communities and etc. This year, I have this wonderful acting teacher, Mr. Mowry, and he has kind of become like my second non-father father figure. Well, third, if you count the Doctor. I just look up to him so much because he's brilliant and a bit nerdy but he obviously cares about what he's teaching and about his students and I kind of need a dad figure in my life. But he came up to me the other day and told me that he wanted me to sign up for Stagecraft because he gets what I'm about and that he knows me and he wants me to stick around and some other things but I was basically on air for the rest of the day. But Mr. Mowry really brought acting in this school alive this year. We had three amazing plays and one of the plays made it to the Florida State competition which is a huge honor in acting and etc etc etc. But I've just met so many awesome people this year. My best (IRL) friend Molly only became my best friend this year and I met Alexandra (who I call San Fran sometimes) and Pawel and Michael and Jordan and Lizzie and KJ and just a lot of people have made my life so good this year. But the thing is, Molly's going to be gone next year. She's a senior this year. KJ is only coming back for senior year because she's travelling the world. I'm losing all of my friends. People I've just met, though I would trust with my life. In stage, everyone does a little Prayer Circle/Warm Up before the show, and last night we had all the seniors and KJ make little speeches about how they love everyone etc and nobody cried then, and that was good. We all had to keep our makeup in tact. But at the cast party, at Applebee's, Molly cried and everyone made a speech and Mr. Mowry made a speech and I almost cried but I did not. It just doesn't seem real yet. I plan on finding a way into graduation, mind you. And I'm going to their Senior Prom, so I mean, maybe then I'll notice. One day I'll just break down probably. But, c'est la vie. But then after the cast party, like eight of us just stayed outside in a circle talking for half an hour. And then we relocated to Steak and Shake for fries and some Coke. And then we talked outside for another fifteen minutes. And then it was just me and Alexandra and our love of people that we hung out with that night.

Alexandra said something about acting and being in theater. And it's that you spend all this time and money for this show, and then it's only two shows. Or it's only three shows. And some people don't even come because they don't feel like it. And, I don't know. It just kind of stuck with me. That's kind of how life is, in general too. There's so much build up to everything and then, you can just miss it.

I had one of those late night adventures last night, and it felt great. It really did.

feelings as of late (just need to put all the thoughts out of my brain)

So I queued this thing and it's scheduled to post on MONDAY because now I'm only queueing things and so there's 200 some things in the queue WELP but yeah it's reblogged from fynf and it's a quote from Paper Towns apparently and the quote is

"Maybe she had sat here in the cacophonous darkness and felt some kind of desperation take her over, and maybe she found it impossible to unthink the thought of death. I could imagine that, of course."

and that's kind of what's been going on with me lately i guess. i've been missing a lot of school like not a lot but at least a day every week. it's just been really hard to get out of bed?? i haven't been motivated to do homework or clean my room or do ANYTHING really i don't really run any of my blogs or do ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE EVER. like i've just hit a rut and i don't see the purpose of anything really anymore. i'm thinking of getting out of IB and my mother made the mistake of saying i should just get my GED and go to college and it's been in my brain just simmering there.

but YEAH things have been going on in my brain and i don't see the usefulness of going to school to learn shit and deal with people anymore. i'm just not seeing the appeal of education anymore and it's scaring me to death. like it's just this huge struggle to get out of bed in the morning and get up and get dressed and go to school and eat and laugh and make jokes and sing and be happy. all i want to do is sit in my bed eating potato chips and watch anime and not care. and every day i miss school my mother gets angry at me and i fall behind in school work and my grade drops lower and the lower my grades are the more my mother and i clash the worse i feel about the situation and the worse i feel the less i want to get up in the morning.

also i haven't been getting on skype and in catitude as much anymore and i think i didn't at all for a week and i don't know what's going on in my brain. i both want to become a recluse and also be really socially outgoing because i get way into my thoughts and i can't escape them. like in a dream when you know something bad is going to happen you can just wake up but i can't figure out how to wake up from this nightmare. i can't find the kick. i can't get to the totem.

THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS ON MY LIFE AT THE MOMENT I'M SURE IT IS MESSED UP AND A BIG JUMBLE OF IDEAS I REALLY JUST WANT TO GO WATCH ANIME AND NOT THINK ABOUT THE CURRENT SITUATION ALSO POSSIBLY TURN MY FAN ON LATER

tomorrow

i have -thoughts- and i don't feel like unloading them all on one person so i'm just going to put them on the internet!! *choir of yays* etc

so i've been living with my mother since uh july and been at mom's new "house" since she moved in and i haven't gone back to dad's house to spend the night but i went there like twice to get books and clothes and personal things that i really wanted with me ie my guitar. but my dad apparently misses us now too much also his mom is down here on vacation and he probably wants to show that he has some control over our living arrangements so he's like "COME HANG OUT WITH ME SPEND THE NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT KTHXBAI" and i'm like "ahhhh" and so i guess we are. and he has like a roommate sleeping in my old room so idk about most of my stuff that i want and miss (books and posters and letters) and so i'm worried about my stuff and i'm really worried about the state of the house b/c i don't wanna see it a huge mess which is how i'm sure it looks and i'm worried about the food and the laundry and my clothes and the trash and how my dad is in general and yeah it's just general WORRIMENT but yeah it's my old house and i left it and i have to go back and sleep there and there's no internet or tv service but i'll have my old desktop so i'm gonna try and get a lot of files to this computer aka music and probably word docs okay
LOOK AT ME WORRYING I AM WORRYING SO MUCH AHH WORRY WORRY WORRY

~starr out~

Sitcoms.

Hi.
Hi, I'm blogging. I just have things I need/want to say. INTERNET I KNOW YOU WANT TO KNOW ALL ABOUT MY LIFE. I KNOW.

Uh, so when I was growing up, as soon as I got home and ate dinner, I would go into my room and watch tv. That's all I would ever do was watch TV. Especially like "past nine o' clock my bedtime" when like Roseanne and Fresh Prince and Full House and the Cosby Show came on. I swear, I have seen every single episode of all three of those television shows. Twice.
So like, they were my family, I guess. Except they were on the television, and I was in a dark bedroom all alone with a can of soda I snuck into my room.
Yeah!! So I always loved big families!! I love them!! And those families would DO THINGS together and they would RELY on each other and I've always wanted that.
Like, horribly so. All of those shows had sisters and I never had a sister or a best friend that was like a sister or anything. After school I never spoke to anyone. I never went to sleep overs or anything dumb like that. But I always really wanted those kind of sisterly things like hair and make overs and fashion advice. But I never had that!! I never did. I had two brothers. Which is why I'm severely boy-ish. And kissing and boy friends and hair and jeans that are too tight and revealing shirts were lost to me. I had to go into that unknown territory with nothing more than what television taught me. Which is cool, I mean. Old sitcoms like those were my books, no matter how horrible that sounds. They helped me to be in a situation I wasn't, and to get advice and learn things that I couldn't have learned on my own.

YEAH COOL IF YOU'VE READ THAT WHOLE BLOG I THINK YOU'RE COOL AND AWESOME.

BEDA won.

E passed and it seemed like everything else was insignificant.
So BEDA has owned me......this year.

So yeah, personal rant. You don't even have to read this.
I hate decisions. I hate them I hate them I hate them. I would always be that friend when somebody asked me what I wanted to do that day I would say, "I dunno, whatever you wanna do." and then we would go to the mall and I would hate every minute of it.
Like if I have two choices, I'm good.
Like "coke or pepsi?" coke. duh.
Like if it's two options, one will always be the obvious answer for me.
But if there's like six or seven different options and they're all obvious answers for me I freak out and I cannot handle it.
Like hopefully my roommate in college will just decide what to eat every day for me.
Or else I'll just have chinese and pizza every day.
Because I know those two things work for me, and it's just two decisions.
i'm a creature of habit.
I go to McDonald's and get a number ten, medium, with a coke.
every single time.
Walk into any restaurant I've been to more than twice, and I already have my order. already. I don't need a menu, really.
so yeah, personal rant!~~~~

BEDA DAY 26

whatever. whatever. the beda must go on.
so i was walking to spanish class and this girl had a backpack with blue and yellow stars on it and it totally set me off and i wasn't thinking and i walked into my advisory class thinking it was my spanish class and i was so lost and confused.
and i kept singing woke up new quietly to myself in the hallways and i felt awful and comforted at the same time.
and i was in chorus and reading and i missed her and then i like, imagined her like a ghost only i could see or something and she like, sat with me, and i put my head on her shoulder and she was smiling and laughing at how dumb i was being in chorus and she was all healthy and it was beautiful but only i could see it and i dunno.
and in math i just stopped listening and i thought about her and i saw birds fly past my window and they were beautiful and they were flying and i thought of her more and yeah.
people asked me all day where i was the day before and i just told them it was an excused abscences and they kind of let it go and didn't ask much but yeah.
yeah.
and i took off my friendship necklace to shower and i don't know if i put it back on or wear it as a bacelet or what to do with it i don't know what to do with it.
and my mom said to let her keep my books and i think it fits because she wanted to read them and i bet she read them and like how in ancient egypt they left things in the tomb so the person could use them in the afterlife?
that's how i feel about those books.
i just wanna know what they're gonna do with her necklace half.
because i want her to keep it.
and her passing seems pure now. she was in pain her whole time and now she's free and she's probably like hanging someplace reading all the books she wants she's probably already mockingjay she's probably traveling through time.
it just seems so unjust and pure and final and absolute and not enough and too much, it all.

BEDA DAY 25

We all know what happened.
I'm still not processing it. I know tomorrow I'm gonna be history and something funny is going to happen and I'm going to think, " Oh I want to tell Esther," and I'll just break down.
Like it's just coming to me in bits and pieces. And my brother kept asking me questions and I was like, "Wow. Wow. Really?"
But yeah, I'm going up there for the service and things. I've no idea how it's going to work out, and may entail me walking anywhere, but I won't care, not at all.
Since I knew, my main secret wish was to be there. Like no matter what.
And her last words. I just want to KNOW so much. I don't wanna be a Pudge to her Alaska. I wanna know.
I dunno. I dunno.
But I just think all of these wishes to her family and to her are so irrelvant. I knew her before you did. I had jokes you didn't. I knew her as a person, not an idea. I knew her as the girl that was my best friend, who introduced me to all my friends. Not, Oh That Girl Who Was In John's Video.
And I've read Looking for Alaska many times and I've read the last three books of Harry Potter so many times and I've gone through all those deaths and losses but, books can never prepare you quite enough.
But I get what they mean, when Harry questions the bright sunlight after Dumbledore's death. Or why the battle had not ceased after Fred.
And every laugh seems hollow and fake and wrong and I dunno. I don't know how I'll go on. Will I ever take off my necklace that she has the other half of? Will I ever take off the wristband?
Will I ever get over it? Will I ever forget her so that I can never imagine her correctly and only remember the memory or idea of her?
Ugh (TO BRING IT BACK TO ME) I let her borrow books and do I take them back or do I leave them or what do you do with her stuff or??? I was gonna go up there in October and we were gonna watch Harry Potter.
There's just the list of things I wanted to do with her but we never did.
So, just, tell people you love them. If you wanna do something with someone, do it with them. You honestly don't know what will happen a month or a week or a day or even a couple hours in the future.
Thomas Edison's last words were "It's beautiful over there." I hope there is a there, and it better be beautiful.

BEDA DAY 24

ESTHER.
Esther is sick and she's at the ICU and I feel horrible and awful and I wish I HAD A SUPERPOWER that could just make her feel better or that Radio Disney actually DID cure cancer or ugh.
Esther baby~
We're probably gonna hang out sometime in October because it was go on a cruise (and have fun but not much) or go to Esther and Boston and yeah. I miss her face and her puff and how she would be the cutest damn thing when she was tired and fighting to stay awake. And we need to watch Harry Potter.
So yeah. Esther, have faith we'll learn to swim with the help of our friends.<3

Days until Hogwarts: A week. A WEEK.
Last song scrobbled: Lion's Teeth - The Mountain Goats

BEDA DAY 23

School was fine.
My advisory teacher is really nice. Advisory is like homeroom except we only have it on Wednesdays between second and third period. My advisory teacher kept making jokes about the bathroom. It was great.
Chem (first period) owns because the teacher owns. And he said it was really math based and he lectures and has stuff on a powerpoint which is how I ENJOY LEARNING.
Spanish was okay. I only know like two people. And one person was this guy that I have had like, an "awkward past" with so.... fun times.
Third is English and the teacher made us fill in a sheet with what we like to read and the first question was something like "What's your favorite subject to read about?"
and my first answer was "post-apocalyptic Utopian societies". So. And then she was like, "We have to read some books but we can also read books considering the media center has class sets of some books. So at the bottom of the survey I wrote this strongly written note about how LfA is in our library and I want to read it. And then at the end we talked Hunger Games. She has yet to read Catching Fire. Come on, woman! Mockingjay comes out tomorrow.
MOCKINGJAY COMES OUT TOMORROW.
I'm wearing my Hunger Games shirt to school tomorrow so B) bitches.
Fourth is acting with the new acting teacher who left to go teach art or something but now he's back and he's really enthusiastic and I really like him. He's making us do like an audition sheet for the thing. And I have a bunch of friends in there. It's going to be awesome.
And then I have lunch with like....normal people and it's really weird but a bunch of my friends who got outta IB have it to I can hang out with them too as well as my non-IB friends who I never talk to~
And then after lunch I have choir and it's a capella and there's a lot of guys and I'm really excited except I can't do the do-reh-me thing backwards so HAHAH welp.
Then I've got history and that's okay and I like how the teacher talks about things and I have it with people I like and yeah. AP Human Geo. I am excite.
And then the last class I have pre-calc and the FIRST DAY the teacher gave us a lesson and gave us homework and I was like, ".........I'm in love." and so yeah. Yeah.
Then I walked home and it was really hot and I kept making myself not sing aloud also it's a lot some crossing of streets and I'm not the best at it and~~~
But then I got home and put on shorts and ate chicken fries and drank coke and listened to music so... yeah.
I could get used to the schedule.
And then maybe when it gets a bit colder I can walk farther like to the bookstore or something. So yeah. I'm really excited for school. I'm just worried about the position of my locker w/r/t my classes? Like I'm sure it'll be fine... but still. Hopefully I wont have to cart my English textbook everywhere.
MOCKINGJAY COMES OUT TOMORROW.
Also I'm gonna go see Esther "The Butt" Earl in October (also probably Arka Pain (arkapain)) while my mom and bros go on a cruise.
OH! OH! Also. Our english teacher had a question on the survey that was like "list some slang" and I put "lol-Lots of Love".

Days till Hogwarts: EIGHT DAYS
Last song scrobbled: Everything You Ever Hoped or Worked For - Nana Grizol

BEDA DAY 22

Okay, so this will be Catitude house, if money and like, physics was not a problem:

So there will be a bunch of rooms. We're gonna live in a castle, yo.
So there's going to be like this huge ass TV in the main room. And it's gonna be connected to a computer, so if somebody is on blogTV, or a new Youtube video is on, we can all just watch it together.
And the kitchen will be big enough for like three people but we'll probably just order pizza or chinese food every single night.
The kitchen is for baked goods. And macaroni & cheese.
And then we all have our separate bedrooms. Three doors in that room: Bathroom, closet, and own personal library. And our rooms are all personalised and have great lighting for when we make videos for youtube.com and the walls are decorated just the way we want them.
And then we have the main bedroom which is actually just a huge trampoline with a skylight thingy in the ceiling so we can see the ~stars~ and shit. And so you can just sleep in your room or you can snuggle on a fucking trampoline.
And then there's like a room where we entertain guests because we fucking own and people wanna hang with us. So we'd have like guest rooms or something.
And we would probably have like a ~music~ room that houses all the music things we would need for anything. With like all these music playing devices and all of our instruments and shit.
And then we'd have to have a video game room. Video games own.
And then we'd have a reading room, which will have like a curtain in the middle, because as Arka points out, girls "bother" guys when they read. But as I argue, boys "bother" girls also so we would need a sheet but not a wall because I think it's fun to listen to people read books also I enjoy listening to people say books aloud.
And we'd probably have like a game room for board games.
Tuesday is movie night and Wednesday is game night.
And we have like this great TV package and we watch Doctor Who and Mad Men or whatever the hell else televisions shows that we watch. Also movie marathons on like ABC Familys. Those OWN.

Yeah. That's what happens. Also we have an intense swing set and probably like a pool. Also close by is a house which houses our families or something. Also we magically have great jobs and the school that we want to go to nearby. Also Wizarding World. Actually we probably just live on Nerdfighteria the island, so we don't even have to worry about missing any nerd music shows or public transportation because Nerdfighteria has that already covered. Also we have this great eco-friendly jet that will fly us to the closest city so we can go to like, a Mountain Goats show, or TMBG, or some other band we like. Also we have a private movie theater on Nerdfighteria. So.

Days until school: TOMORROW. SHIT.
Days until HOGWARTS: nine?
Last song scrobbled: Exterminate, Regenerate by Chameleon Circuit

BEDA DAY 21

So school starts Monday.
Monday.
MONDAY.
I'm both so ready and so not ready. Tomorrow we drive back from Boca Raton (btw, we're in Boca Raton right now) and we're gonna have to CLEAR TARGET OUT for back to school things for the boys, and then Monday after school I have to FILM using this camera for which I have no idea to get the videos from the camera onto the computer. So. So.
Also after school I have to go back to Target and purchase MY THINGS for the school year.
Ugh ugh ugh.
My backpack is red and it has all my pin/buttons and my Make A Wish button I got and a Ravenclaw pin and I wrote William McKinley's last words (We are all going.) on it. And then my Daily Planner has a pizzajohn meme and I colored some of the icons from John's website and it has some other of my "obsessions" on it represented somehow and I just love it so much. And yeah. I just don't know any of my teachers and I have Chem first period and there's no place to get breakfast on the way to school and I'm on Academic Probation and apparently I don't have IB lunch but.... yeah. I think I'll be okay. I'll have people I know and access to a library full of books I want to read and a comfy bed and an iPod filled with music I like.

Days until semester starts: Two? One?
Days until Hogwarts: Ten.
Last song Scrobbled: The Mountain Goats – Going to Reykjavik

BEDA DAY 20

GONNA SUMMARIZE THE HUNGER GAMES/CATCHING FIRE BECAUSE VALERIE ASKED ME TO ALSO SO I DON'T HAVE TO REMEMBER TO BLOG TOMORROW:

i'm going on this totally from memory (also help from catitude). i'm re-reading hunger games now, so bear with me.

hunger games: (background information)
so basically in a post-apocolyptic society/utopia place every year the capital city (panem-but it's usually just called "the capitol") has these things called the hunger games and two tributs (girl and guy) from each district (12) have a fight to the death because a long time ago there was some rebellion w/r/t the districts and the capitol didn't like that so they totally destroyed the 13th district with nuclear bombs or something and then the capitol imposed the hunger games to remind the districts how STUPID the rebellion is and how the districts are totally at the mercy of their overlords the capitol. so each district has a "niche" or something they create like twelve is coal mining, and and thirteen WAS nuclear stuff.
so disctrict twelve is super poor and a lot of them have to struggle for food but those asshats in the capitol eat themselves silly, drink something that makes them throw up, and drink more. also they're very pro-plastic surgery and altering themselves. kind of like all the pretties in Pretty Town.

hunger games: (plot)
this girl katniss lives with her mom who knows herbs and shit because she uses them for medic and things and katniss' sister prim is like an angel and everybody loves her. katniss used to hunt in the woods outside district 12 (where she lives) with her dad but then he died so now she hunts with this guy gale who is katniss' best friend and she thinks there's nothing ~romantic~ going on between them. so. so katniss and gale have like this HUGE CHANCE to be called to be in the hunger games but instead prim gets called and katniss takes her place. and then this guy peeta comes up because he's called and the mayor's daughter gives katniss' this pin of a MOCKINGJAY (which is like, a big FU to the capitol) and so the remaining winner of the hunger games from d. 12 is this drunk named haymitch and he decides katniss and peeta as "worthy" or s/t so he decides to help out. blah blah blah peeta professes his love for katniss (pretty much genuine, which is cute. but they're going to have to kill each other) and katniss is like "oh. welp." and the games start and katniss almost dies of thirst and peeta is pretending to be a "career tribute" which are these tributes who have been trained ALL THEIR LIVES to perform in the hunger games. (and here is where i am up to in the book so the rest is gonna be a bit dim)
um katniss and rue (this girl from a district who can run fast and reminds katniss of prim) have an alliance but then rue gets shot or something and katniss does this beautiful thing where she makes a headdress of flowers and sings this song for rue and so afterwards uh the d. from rue also sponsers katniss and it's really cute (and i think i cried reading it which was awkward because i was at a wedding shower and everything was happy and here i was reading about death and violence and crying)
and then somehow uh peeta (remember him?) gets hurt and he's left for dead and katniss saves him and they have like the CUTEST little time being a couple and such in a cave somewhere and it's being broadcasted to the whole world and peeta thinks it's real and he's probably thinking "the girl of my dreams..." and katniss is thinking "okay if i kiss him like this, we can get medicine" which is totally bitchy of her but like as some moments she's kind of falling for peeta (i was :3 all those chapters) and it's really cute but the capitol has pressure from the viewers because they ship peeta/katniss (like i do) so they release this thing that two tributes can win if they're from the same d. so basically peeta and katniss are going to win. so they're all dead except for peeta, katniss, and some other tribute and then these HUGE WOLVES come out and they've got the eyes/souls of the other tributes except they totally want to kill peeta and katniss and the other tribute. so they kill the wolves and the other tribute and so they think they've won but then the capitol is like "JK SUCKAS. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE WINNER" so katniss and peeta decide to take these berries that're posionouse so that way NOBODY WINS AND FU CAPITOL AND PANEM AND THESE GAMES but then the capitol is like "shit. that would not be good." so they declare that the two can win. and some other things happen i can't really remember but yeah.

catching fire: (even more general than hunger games)
so peeta and katniss are back home and gale totally professes his love for katniss and katniss: the bitch is like "i know." and gale is like "what a heartless bitch." and then it's the 75th anniversary of the hunger games so the "twist" is that previous winners are the ones who have to compete. so katniss and gale are OBVIOUSLY in it again (SURPRISE) and before, when they were gloating about winning to all the other d.s some stuff happened that was like "sign for rebellion" or s/t and there was something how the mockingjay is the sign of the resistance and how d. 13 isn't as dead as we think it is and there were news reports in the mayor's office about planned rebellions in the other districts so like a couple days or something into the hunger games big transport things fall outta the sky and katniss is picked up but the capitol has peeta and OH MY GOD the resistance is on and haymitch knew about it and they're traveling to d. 13 that's where catching fire ends. a cliffhanger (and me throwing the book across the room in anger)

BEDA DAY 19

AHHH I NEED TO BLOG
BEDA YOU CANNOT WIN
UGH UGH UGH
Um, I'm at my friend's house because it's her birthday. Her roommate, my brother, and me have been playing Super Mario Wii for about an hour.
I love Mario. And I love people playing Mario. I love people stressing out about Mario. I love stressing out about Mario.
Mario is the best game ever~~
Okay, yeah.
I have lunch with my ~bro~ and dad tomorrow (I dunno where we're going) and then HOPEFULLY a trip to Tampa International Mall because I want a Mockingjay shirt~~~ (also they have Harry Potter shirts. Also I love Hot Topic's pins).
But yeah. Today was a good day. I woke up early and had orientation and I got a BOTTOM LOCKER and I saw all my friends from school that I missed. It was nice.
It makes me not-so-anxious about school starting again.
Which is, you know, nice.
Dad needs to ~calm down~ because he calls mom constantly and obviously mom doesn't answer because they fight/yell almost every time they talk so.....
I'm really glad Michael will be at lunch tomorrow.
Whatever.
It'll be fun.

Days until school starts: four days (yikes)
When I woke up: nine thirty am ish. way too early.
Last song I scrobbled: Secondhand Serenade- Fall For You