A Dream Blog

Background: Yesterday I woke up with a migraine at 9:17 AM. I came back home at 12:30 PM after both of my classes and fell asleep around 1 PM until 7:45 PM and then was up until almost 5 AM. I fell asleep around 5 AM and woke up at 11 AM. It's been a weird sleep time.


In my dream it was August 24th, and I couldn't make it to Boston or a  related place for the Worst Day of the Year so I was home. I was tired and anxious about the next day, but I invited two of my best friends to go to a graveyard at UCF (It was literally at UCF. Like, next to the Student Union or some shit.) but I asked my grandmother to give us a ride there and back because my car was broken down or something?

It evolved into not just me and my two friends going but me, my two friends, both of my grandparents, and my father. Which doesn't seem like much, I know, but my grandmother or my father alone is enough emotional stress for weeks. But they were all coming. And suddenly I had to buy flowers to bring to a not even real grave - a proxy grave. I had to find the perfect bouquet for a proxy grave and the one I picked wasn't crazy enough so my grandma bought another one and made me switch it out and bought a beautiful glass vase for it.

So it's the 25th and all I really want to do is take a nap and maybe get on Skype and talk to Catitude but I can't. My dad's asking me why I'm not dressed up and if I'm bringing anything to her proxy grave and on the inside I'm furious but I'm literally so tired that I just lay down on the couch until they tell me it's time to go. And when I'm laying on this couch my vision becomes almost Ghost Hunters and I see a clip of a ghost coming up to me and walking right through me and then me immediately going into my bedroom and that keeps playing in my brain a couple times until a voice-over happens and it's like clips of Wayne and Lori telling me how much they love me and how much everyone loves me etc. (At the Wake, the first thing Wayne did when he saw me was swallow me up in a hug and he whispered, "She loved you" in the most sincerest and self-assured voice I've ever heard about anything.)

And suddenly I'm recalling memories in perfect clarity. Her and I being goofs on the Fourth of July, us on the phone and she's asking me about Doctor Who and I'm asking her about John Green, us playing Neopets or some random shit. It's all just random shit but it's perfect. I can remember them perfectly, I can relive them. Like I'm getting this one last gift from the most lovely person ever. One last card in the mail.

But then I wake up and we're going to the UCF Cemetery and my grandma's asking me about stamps and my dad says, "You know you're going to have to say something, right?" and I find like a shirt (It's not even mine! This whole thing is just bullshit!) to leave and I bring a halo of stars that I found lying around in my junk arts & crafts drawer and we're going. We get there and there's a frat that's actually like, burying their friend and in morning but the fucking fake plot is behind where they are so we leave them and we get to this secondary area which is just this Van Houton-esque character and one of the funeral houses people and they obviously don't care about the person they're burying but they have to put on a show and it's horrible. It's the worst thing I've ever imagined. But I make my crew pay respects to actually-being-buried-here people and not us so we sit through the first ceremony. My dad at one point sits somewhere and I say, "No! Not there!" and he says, "Is this where she's..?!" and I almost snapped but said something like, "No! But it's someone's actual grave so be a bit more respectful." and he moves.

I want to pay my respects to the person the coffin because they are newly dead and my friend is not newly dead and this person doesn't have anyone that cares for them and I go to look into the open casket and it's literally the scariest obviously-horror-movie-villain ever. But the funeral home lady is like, drinking vodka and the Van Houten is telling a joke and the girl comes back alive and is about to stab me and I wake up.

But that is how it feels, a lot of the time. It feels like people who did not know or care about her at the time want to know and care. It feels, to me, like they want to be a part of something, they want someone or something to mourn. They want to feel a fraction of what I feel. (They can't. Your secondhand emotions will never match my own.) Like your grief may be present and real but to make it more important than my own is sick and it makes me sick and sometimes I can't breathe with every single person who comments on things. I don't know, that dream just felt like a summary of everything that's happening lately but I wasn't surprised by it, I was just tired. All I wanted to do was quote The Book and then go home and call Lindsay and tell her about me possibly being killed by a zombie.

An Open Letter to Past Me

Hi 2010-me,

It's 2014 you. I am not quite sure what you know or don't know yet, because I'm unsure of much of 2009-10. Not in a bad way, but in an everything-was-going-good-in-my-life in 2009-10 and so I wasn't paying special attention to anything.

Hint: pay attention to everything. Try to keep every memory in a back up somewhere. You're gonna quit your twitter at 10k tweets, and it helped me out a lot, so thanks for that.

I'm writing to you from my college dorm room. That's right, college. It's a lot like high school except everything is better in every possible way but you're also stressed about everything in general.
You miss your parents and brothers a lot. I know that seems odd and unbelievable, but you will enjoy going home for winter break after not seeing them for a month. Otherwise, college is good. You're studying to be a history teacher. I know, completely shocking except it's not and you feel like a great weight of uncertainty has been lifted from your chest. I feel that every day.

So here's the thing: life is going to get pretty shitty for you in the coming months. Is it May right now? June? Maybe even just March? Okay, everything is going to come all at once. Seriously. The fights are only going to get louder and more exhausting and Esther is going to tell you she has thyroid cancer. You're going to move your most precious possessions (a box filled with your John Green books, Prisoner of Azkaban, your laptop, and a blanket, a snow globe you don't currently own, and a teddy bear) with you twice. I'm not gonna lie to you, it's gonna be fucking hell. You're a champion, so you're going to be okay, but you're still probably going to feel pretty dead inside for a lot of the time and close to crying a lot. This is going to be okay. You're going to be okay. You're gonna rediscover Harry and the Potters, and they are going to save you. I'm not kidding. Downloading that first album is probably why I'm able to write this to you today.

Right, Esther. She is currently such a big part of your life Madeline, and she's only going to get more important. Remember that Suncoast Bucs opening day where you downloaded Skype onto Mom's iPhone so you could talk to Esther because nobody else was awake at seven AM? That is going to be your relationship in a nutshell, and just a small thing you do for each other over the next year or so. Keep her so close, Madeline. Do not let that amazing and brilliant light go, especially with everything that is going to happen to you both. You need each other and you're going to become a better person every time you talk with her and make AVPM references, but also talk to her about other stuff. Talk about religious views and ask about her family and don't just shoot the shit, unless you're both feeling it at the time. Esther is your best friend, keep it that way.

Other things? I don't want to spoil a lot of things for you, young Madeline, but the next couple years are gonna be kind of crazy. You're gonna travel a lot this year (2010). You're going to go to LeakyCon and see Catitude! I know, I wasn't going to tell you but it's very important. They're very important. You're gonna go to New York twice in a year. You're going to see the Pacific Ocean. You're not going to hate your grandmother as much as you think you do. You're going to see Darren Criss perform. You're going to see Harry and the Potters live a bunch of times and cry every single time you do. You're going to see The Remus Lupin's last show (I know! I didn't mean to spoil you but it's a big deal.) and you're going to see Alex Carpenter perform "Lovely Lily" on an acoustic guitar in a small room in an another convention center. You're going to see a lot of bands you love with a lot of people you love. You're going to go to Disney more. You're going to see your older brother get married. You're going to see your parents talk to each other like adults. You're going to see your dog grow old to the point of death and be revitalized by another dog. You're going to fall in love with a lot of boys (and girls!) and kiss some and some you won't but you will want to. You're going to see a lot of plays and remember your love of theatre. You're going to read a lot of books that is going to make you cry and you're going to see a lot of movies that will make you laugh. You're going to own a car and drive to a city you've never been to for a concert all by yourself. You're going to love so deeply and so widely that you're going to be afraid of it, but don't be afraid. We are not here for very long, young-me. You've gotta care about so much while you're here that you're exhausted in time to die.

One more thing, you're going to meet Melissa Anelli. I know! I know. You're going to see her a lot and not always get a picture with her, but it's not going to matter. She is going to call you beautiful, and cool, and important and cry about things you have said. It's going to feel like a fucking dream and a prank the entire world is playing on you, but it's not. It is going to be the most amazing thing that will ever happen to you, and you will not be able to shut up about it. I know other people don't get it, but you're me and I'm you, and you understand me in the best way. She is just as lovely and real and her laugh is just as beautiful in real life as Pottercast has had you believe.

I love you, past-me. You've got to love yourself, and it's going to be difficult sometimes, but you have got to remember that somebody loves you and if you don't think that, just remember that this post exists, so you make it through. You get here. You make it this far, at least. Keep all your friends close. Tell your mom you love her every day. Eat chocolate when you're not feeling great. You are going to be okay.

Best wishes!
2014 Madeline